a spy in the house of love

but have had hesitations. about my weight. i just joined weight watchers. i don't want to weigh this much. i hate the way i look, and i hate the way i feel. so immediately i felt i would get criticism from other plus size people saying i should love myself the way i am. i do love m yself, but i want the weight off. i still support anything that has to do with fat. i totally support other fat people loving themselves. honestly, i think a fat woman is beautiful.i don't feel beautiful in some ways anymore. i think i have gone over the limit where i did. i don't want to feel like i'm some sort of traitor to be in fat groups and be reducing, i'm not, really i'm not. i would rather look at a woman with meat on their bones than one without any! and i'm staying in the fat groups hoping i'll still be accepted. i just n eed to do this for myself, it's the right thing for me to do right now. i hope i can get some support for it. but i've been wanting to vent about this for awhile. i take a medication that causes weight gain, so i am worried it won't work. but i intend to work the program and stick to it, even during the holidays. the thing is, you can still eat what you want, and i can eat enough of different things that i like that i won't feel like i'm dieting. i really hope it works. thanks for l etting me get that off my chest.

but i haven't had much to say. i went on a week long vacation to florida to see my daughter. it was one of the best vacations i have ever been on. we went on a boat, went to the beach, went thrifting, went to six wonderful restaurants, we just had the best time. it was good for me to see my daughter in her enviornment-where she lived and what she did. i love florida! i grew up in los angeles so i am a big palm tree fan. i loved the tropical-ness of everything, the awnings on the houses and the red clay spanish roofs. i liked how the ocean didn't have any waves! you could just go out and swim without worrying about being taken under. wonderful.
today, jeremy and i went to the buddhist center for a class called buddhism for beginners. i was so very disappointed to find the leader of the group was so very full of himself, throwing around tibetan words like crazy and calling the chinese "chinks"-he obviously knew LOTS but was n ot effective in teaching for beginners. i left knowing very little about what was talked about. i may not be back because of him. i may have to just study on my own. i have always liked depak chopra, but i think he is more hindu than buddhist. i also have listened to a spiritual teacher called gangaji, who says that enlightenment is already within us and you don't have to search for years to find it. i want something. i have had something before, and i want to fine tune it now again. i will find it.

i've been listening to the go-go's.
we are going to florida on sunday-to visit my daughter sasha. she promises lots of good food and fun. i'm looking forward to the palm trees. i was born and raised in los angeles, so i have a thing for palm trees.
i've also been hooked on True Blood, HBO's vampire series. i love it.
i've been very h appy lately, despite my being here. it took me a long time to get that way. i just miss my kids so much, and my friends and mom inportland. my mom isn't doing very well and it makes me so sad. but i am doing well.
i've also gained some mobility from swimming. there were things i could not do when i started that i can do now, like touch my hands together in back of me. i couldn't do it, and now i can and can hold them away from myself for a good stretch.
tomorrow is our tenth wedding anniversary. we retook our vows last week. jeremy's mom made a little path in the  back yard of tea lights, so we could walk down it. she did the officiating. she isn't ordained at all, but she's a wiccan witch so that made us happy=). yea, his mom is a wiccan witch, and his dad is a mormon. wouldn't that make a great sit com?
we look to them a lot for inspiration. they make it work. jeremy is an athiest and i am definately not, and we make it work too.
although it is hard sometimes for me to see him not have something to leave his hard stuff with.
i can't sleep. it;'s five am and i haven't fallen asleep yet. i have bad restless legs, i hate it.
i think that's all. sending hugs to anyone who wants one.
xx

 pretty in pink.

since i'm giving them away to everyone practically, i was wondering if one of my portland friends would consider taking some of them and selling them with their stuff at the zine symposium this year? krissy? sara? and if you sell s omething, sharin? i could send them to you, i don't have to be there. i've only sold two issues. thanks for your consideration!
xx

it will shortly be available at: fiveorsixgirls.etsy.com

my husband made this card for me for christmas..

the new wally lamb book with a gift card we got for christmas, its huge just like his last one. i am also re-reading for the fourth time Finding your hearts desire by sonia choquette. it has helped me before and i am hoping it helps me again.
we went to see Milk the other night, it is so so good, made me cry. i wanted to find a christmas tree place to smell the trees, but we co uldn't find any. i am sick again, got a cold from someone, a virus.
jeremy and i had a huge talk last night about going back to portland. there were many tears and there was anger and sadness and intensity. we are going to look outside the box more. i just wanted to know that he was willing to do that and hadn't gotten locked into a one-way answer for how to do it. i am miserable here and need to find a way not to be. this hearts desire book talks about how i will definately not get what i need by thinking someone else
is in charge of my dreams(jeremy). i also am going to get the book No death No fear suggested by mark, it is only three dollars and something on amazon. i have been doing an awful lot of reading lately. searching, searching so hard but i think i am searching too hard and it is right here and i just can't see it.
xx

i started seeing a therapist again. she is nice. i don't think i am going to do anything earth-shattering there, but it could help some. if not i'll look for someone else. i had a no-nonsense one before this, and she didn't let me get away with anything. that's the kind i need.
i also saw my dr. and had blood tests done again. i am waiting for the results. she thinks i may have diabetes, i hope not. my anti depressant was increased. i think it may have been my anti-psychotic that needed to be but we will see. i need help around my fear of dying. i literally can't enjoy my life completely because of it. so yea, i think its paranoia rearing it's ugly head. it's been so long that i have been doing so well on my medication.
i got some xmas presents from my daughter. she sent me the neatest smiths t shirt, louder than bombs. and a replacement wedding ring, i couldn't wear my other one anymore as my finger got fatter. and glen hansard cd's , when i just heard him for the first time last week!
i got a new book called Foolsgold, about finding creativity. have any of you read it?
i worry that the economy is going to take a couple years to fix.
any ideas on how to make friends? i don't go anywhere except swimming and i've talked about how th ose gals are. not friend material. although they are nice. we need to go back to the unitarian church and maybe find friends there. but the only person that talked to we named "closetalker" because she got like an inch from your face and i didn't like that much.
i really do want to be optimistic!
what are all of you doing for christmas? you are snowed in, you folks in portland, i'm so sorry. will you be with people? krissy?
xoxoxo

got down today but then perked up and felt like when stuff goes wrong, it's an opportunity to still be happy. i have to believe it's a choice, even tho sometimes it seems like i physically can't choose it, it's that hard. i bought more paint and brushes today and i have been painting birds and faces and it's making me so happy. even tho my life is not going the way i want it to go right now, i have to make the choice to carry on and find good in every day and not blame others. or blame myself for getting so down. it's damn hard not to have any friends where you live. people are so different here, they are so unlike me and look at me like i am so unlike them. i am friendly with all the ladies in my swim class but it isn't going to be me and them having coffee anytime soon, if you know what i mean. i'm happy sewing and painting and going to places that make me happy, yes i have found some! but seriously, friendship is important and not having it can be devastating. i consider my sister in law a friend, but i don't talk to her too often. circumstances in her life prevent that. for me to go around places and stay there and mingle and talk to people, i am going to need a wheelchair or some kind of motorized chair. i walk into places and in five minutes i have to sit down and if there is no where to sit, i have to go back into the car. i'm just trying to make my life right now make sense and the changes have been so big that i'm overwhelmed and frustrated at the same time. i wish that what i do in the water i could do out of the water! i do pretty well there. anyway, i found this wonderful big hippie market place thats half market and half cool "stuff". i found this big picture that is jesus rising out of a lotus flower which was from india, and i want it real bad. there is a part of town that is like a little bit of portland or eugene. it makes me happy to go there. i bought two hindu deity pictures and painted frames for them for the walls here, they make me happy too, and some red poppy insense, got these all from antrican in eugene, from theda. i have to stay in touch with those i know who can provide me with cool stuff. i talked to a friend teesha and told her that i only came here with my sewing and no art stuff, so she is sending me a care package of fun stuff. i miss my ephemera! i have tons of it back home. today i bought gold glitter paint and that made me the happiest of all. the gaudier, the happier i am=)i miss portland so much i cry. i miss my kids. i miss my mom, and she's not well. i just want to wake up every day and make it the best day in the world, then go to bed and wake up and do it again. if i keep my chin up i may be able to accomplish that. xoxo

i act all normal when i write on here like everyone else, like i'm writing and someone will care about it but that's really not true. i don't know why i write on here at all, with the exception of mark, who is the only one who ever comments, and thanks for that mark. what is the point? i want to share my gladness and sometimes i share my troubles. it isn't fun when you do share your troubles and there is no one to say, gee sounds like you're goin thru a rough time, or here is a hug, or kiss my ass. i don't know what you have to do or who you have to be to have the people in my contacts be actual friends, but i haven't succeeded. seems to be on the surface, but that's not good enough for me anymore. i have a couple groups i monitor on here but as for writing, i think i'm through with that. the whole point of a live journal is to get feedback, if i wanted to just comment on life and not hear anything back i would write it in a book and keep it on my shelf. it's time i clarified what is a friend. i have way less real friends than i thought i do. still it's good to have a few good ones. but they don't comment either. i've also stopped commenting on others' journals. if the status is the way it appears then what i say has little to know revelance in their life. even if what is real is only a tiny amount, at least i know it is real. that's all i want, to have my life be real.
so take care anyone who reads this, mark i will continue to comment to you, and to robert too.
xo

xo

alli want for christmas is a roll or two of 120 film. you can't bu y it out here, and i want to take pictures with my holga. my address is:
me
624 s. sanders rd.
birmingham, al 35226

i would love a roll!
in other news..finally getting more blood tests done next week. maybe we can finally get to the root of my distress. maybe not. i hope so. i am battling my psychological need to eat late at night. i get starving. i don't think i am really hungry, i t hink i THINK i need it. anyway, i'm battling that, it's hard. it's why i can't lose weight. the rest of the time i eat good and i'm fine.
we've been battling also the golds gym where my pool is. they refuse to keep it heated. you have got pregnant women, little kids and disabled folks and it's freezing. we finally moved to another pool which was up to 88 degrees and hadn't even finished heating. i am so relieved. i used to stay home because i hated excersizing in the cold water. i have to have movement! it is now too cold to walk the driveway. i don't know what to do. i go up and down the stairs once or twice a day but besides pacing in this small bedroom, i'm not sure what else to do. i can't get down on the floor. i tried doing pilates on the bed, and it did work so maybe i'll continue with that. i'm just worried so much about it. and another thing, i may need my meds adjusted, but i worry a lot about death. about how i don't want to die and i'm fearful about it. i keep thinking if i find a spiritual path that makes me feel comfortable i can get over it. i think it could be chemical. i can talk to the dr. too when i go about the blood tests, about that. maintenance. i made some christmas ornaments out of Hindi deities-they are really cool. they are my presents to my kids this year. i didnt bring one art thing with me out here, only my sewing. i left it all in storage. when i went to buy paint,glitter glue and a glue gun i was so excited i could hardly stand it! i found a ten pack of glitter glue in all different colors, and little bitty tips for those small jobs. they are fantastic! i also decided i am going to paint again. i'm so excited to buy paintbrushes. also, i read two books lately, one was the Power of Now, and the other was The Law of Attraction in Action. i liked the latter. the first one didn't excite me even tho there were things i found true in it. but like saying we really don't have choice. i believe we have choice. the other book was great, and practical. even jeremy is doing it with me! and that's saying something coming from someone who doesn't believe in anything. but the law of attraction has scientific basis so that helps him get into it. i t hink that's all. gee! i had a lot to say. xoxo

here in alabama, where my vote didn't count for anything, i'm still happy. i couldn't be happier.
went to oregon for a week and spent it with my son, dil and grandsons. it was enormously taxing. the airlines was so good about the wheelchairs at each destination tho, and i only had to ask once. it was great seeing the babies. henry still doesn;t "talk", but he makes sounds that sound like things. he signs too. he is walking around holding a little walker toy but not on his own yet. it will come. the baby desmond was so adorable and liked jeremy much more than i. it seemed he had the touch, with me he sensed i had boobs and since i had boobs but wasn't nursing him, that was making him unhappy. i came home sick and am still sick, usually i get pnuemonia from a virus and it escalates real fast. this time it hung around bronchitis and not bronchitis and i just feel like crap. i am missing not going swimming, my body is stiff. i have to get back on track with my walking up and down the sidewalk. i say to myself, how did i get to this point? i don't know. i just hope and pray every day that i will be able to get mobility back. good news-there is a mini zine symposium here tomorrow! i am excited. i plan on getting lots of zines. i hope they are cheap here too! i've been recuperating watching project runway season two on netflix. they have great extra features about casting. i haven't sewn either. just vegged. hopefully this week i will be on the mend. i have to keep remembering that my immune system falls hard when attacked. and takes time to heal. thank you sharin for going to send me some good herbal medicine, that stuff helps me so much. i keep checking my mail for it! love to all my live journal friends. i miss you oregon people so much. it was so good to see sharin while in oregon and get to eat at thanh thao, yum! it was a good halloween(my favorite holiday). all is well=)

in a week, i get to go see my family. i am so excited! i won't have time to visit anyone in portland besides my mother, and that will be limited. we get to stay a week and that will be with my son in roseburg. i am most excited to see my grandson henry, i hope he remembers me. of course i am excited to see my new grandson desmond and my son and dil. i'll get noahs breakfast burritos and girl talks with vesta(dil)and smooches with my babies. i miss my son a whole lot. it has been a year. he told me in tears lately that he missed me so much, and if when i move back if i ever leave again he is going to just have to pack up and go with me. i love my kids so much, i am so lucky. xx

i really am sad about it. i mean i've been a fan since the very first episode, and watched it all t hrough the crappy years, and here they are crappy again. and i just heard amy pohler is leaving. maybe it should quietly pass away before it gets any worse...but i keep hoping. see i had a ritual watching it in the early years, staying up with my coffee and having a crush on john belushi. it's in my heart, but it's so bad now, so so bad.
after tina left, the writing went to crap. it's a part of me i'm having trouble letting go of.
i had a pedicure at walmart today. yea, they have one of those vietnamese places there. yea i know it's a pedicure but i can't reach my toes so i have to have help. some lady came in and started yapping about her daughters manicure, all pissed off, and that really made me uncomfortable. i had a small piece of skin they removed and it started bleeding, and it wouldn't stop. she said, are you diabetic? i said NO! as far as i know, no! she said, get that checked. sheesh.
we watched a good movie tonight, called young adam, with ewan mcgregor and tilda swinton. it was really good, lots of sex though.
we had pho today! there is an excellent pho restaurant here in birmingham! amazing, i know. i get the rice and egg noodle with shrimps and pork. it is to die for.
oh and jeremy had training for his job, which will ensure a higher pay once he gets back to portland, and he passed with flying colors. we went to atlanta for that a couple weeks ago, i think i wrote about it.
i'm getting lots of custom orders for clothes and the nicest comments i ever saw. life is good. xx

a meme is NOT a questionnaire, a questionnaire is NOT a meme. a meme isn't even close to being a questionnaire. how did it get that name anyway? a meme is like an advertisement for something that everyone recognizes, like "have it your way" or something like that. good lord.

when i saw someone post on the group collages, a collage by ME and posting it as her own!! what can i do besides read her the riot act, which i already did? jesus, how little class. she must have gotten it from flickr. damnit, i'm pissed!

so far now. it is going to take quite a bit i imagine before i notice a difference in my mo bility. i actually talked to jeremy about weight loss surgery before i started eating differently, and said if this didn't work i may consider it. good thing it's working, i don't th ink i would want to do that at all. for a long time jeremy would tell me to not feel bad if i had to use the little rascal carts in stores, but i was so embarassed that people would think i'm just lazy(=fat) but after i started doing it, i realized it helped me so much and i don't care what people think anymore. my mobility is extremely hindered. way more than when i left portland. i don't get out enough or walk around or anything. i do my swimming twice a week and if i miss those it really makes a difference. then saturday we go shopping but i used the motorized cart. i still can barely walk from the car to the doors of a store. i have knee issues too but we can't afford that. jeremy says go ahead and see a specialist but i am always concerned about money, because we are trying to save to move some time before i get too elderly(snicker). i know i don't look it at all but i feel like i'm in my eighties. i made an action board, now don't laugh, and in the middle of it i put "health". i have been more light5hearted lately, mostly because i am takign my meds. i had tried to skip one, to save money. how silly am i? very silly indeed. i know that is the last place we should cut corners. it's hard not to have friends here. well i have two. okay i have two friends-ha ha. so i'm not complaining. i just keep a good thought that i am on the right path to get my health back. it's quite serious and now that i realize it i'm scared. i am going to start doing pilates on sundays on the bed(i can't get down on the floor). hopefully that will help too. all for now.xx

nine years. we have a healed marriage. i am grateful. xo